Gender and Relationships

I both agree and disagree with Mr. Otto's reflections on marriage.  I agree completely with his statements about the need for serious discussion and reflection before marriage is considered.  To wonder when your boyfriend will propose, or if you should start dropping "subtle hints" does seem awfully immature, as Otto points out.  Presumably, this person would not be ready for marriage.  I think that two people in a healthy, mature relationship should be able to comfortably talk about their future together, without thinking twice about ruining the surprise of a proposal, or something ridiculous like that.  I also agree with Otto's insinuation that marriage is far too wedding-centric.  The focus of an engagement should be on future lives spent together, not on a single day of celebration.

However, I don't believe that the institution of marriage is harmed by traditions that surround engagement.  Nor do I, as a woman, find them to be offensive or demeaning. It is a decades old tradition that the man proposes to the woman in some sort of special/elaborate way.  Personally, I would feel awkward if the roles were reversed.   I don't care if it lessens the equality between a man and a woman, I think it is the man's job to propose.  I bet a lot of men feel that way too.  I would think that to be proposed to, to have their moment stolen, would be emasculating.  More broadly, I suppose this speaks to a man's role as the protector and provider.  While I think it's ridiculous to expect a man to provide fully and completely for the his family, without any help, I still like the idea of men being the protectors.  I think it's sweet.

I guess my own parents' engagement was ideal.  They'd been dating for seven years, and of course marriage had come up.  They discussed it at length before they got engaged.  But when my dad did finally propose, he did it at a beautiful location overlooking the Pacific Ocean.  He gave my mom a ruby necklace, not a ring.  Once my mom had me, she stopped working.  So now my father is the sole financial provider for the family.  Therefore, I suppose, my parents fit in to stereotypical gender roles.

Article referenced: http://bustedhalo.com/features/when-will-he-propose